Grief

I Googled how to handle grief the other day. I just didn't (and still don't) know where to start. In many ways, I feel like he isn't gone; that this didn't happen. The moments when I realize yes, yes this did happen are the moments I shake and/or cry and/or stare off into nothingness. The moments are so painful and I just didn't know where to turn.

I know far too many friends who have lost parents, yet I still don't know how to talk to them about losing my dad. One of my very best friends lost her mom to lung cancer and I have trouble talking to her about losing my dad. We are so close and I am so shut-in.

In my Googling, I found this event called "The Dinner Party." It is essentially a potluck in your area with people going through similar losses or recent losses like yourself; you can talk and share your grief. I just got contacted by the program coordinator and am waiting on the local event coordinator to do her magic because honestly, I don't even know where to start. I haven't told anyone I signed up for this - not my boyfriend, not my best friends. I am struggling so hard with missing my dad that I don't know what to do.

Yes, I know I should and most likely will see a medical professional - I was even meant to have a doctor's appointment tomorrow but here in New England, we like to get blizzards - but for right now, this is what I am trying. The Dinner Party and this blog.

There, I will let out the words to others and hear their pain. Here, I will remember my dad for the amazing father he was to me. Here, I will share photos of him and dream of the day that I hope exists again when I will sass him and he will sass me back.

Here.