Guilt

I am a scientist in medical device research and development. I trust science and I trust modern medicine with everything I know and hold dear. Science and medicine help me understand things and they make things clearer. What they cannot do, however, is explain this loss.

My dad had a massive and completely unexpected heart attack. He had no known heart problems - no cardiovascular disease, no high blood pressure, not even high cholesterol. It was in his family history - his father passed away from the same thing at only 50 years old - but previous medical procedures had all come up fine. He had had successful surgeries. How could this happen? How could we have no warning or way to prevent it? Where were you when I needed you, medicine? Where were you???

The same things that leave my lost also bring me comfort. Because my dad had no known heart problems, there was nothing we could have done. We couldn't have stopped this or prevented it. It's not our fault. I miss him but I do not have that weight of guilt others might have when they lose a loved one. No - I'm not saying it's ever your fault, but I do know that many people feel guilt; I have seen it. My sister, a nurse, talked to a nurse at the hospital where they brought my dad. The nurse told her that even if he had been right there when it happened, they wouldn't have been able to do anything either; it was just the type of heart attack that it was. It was quick and he was in no pain. I am so happy he was in no pain; the loving and caring man that he was did not deserve pain.

I am lucky to not have that guilt; I couldn't have stopped this.